Father’s Day 2010

6-20-10

“Hi. I’m Phil and I’m a father.”

            I think that’s the way that I most often feel, like I should belong to some support group to help me deal with my overwhelming sense of inadequacy.

“The handy thing about being a father is that the historic standard is so pitifully low.” Michael Chabon

What does it say about the role of the father when so many women want to raise children without them?

Psalm 128:1-4 (read)

The idea that is explicit throughout the Scriptures is that as Fathers, we are to reflect God to our children in such a way that following him would be the most natural choice they could make.

● Repeatedly we see this phrase used in the Scriptures: “They worshipped the God of their fathers…” (Genesis 32:9, 50:24; Exodus 3:15).

            So, we are supposed to serve the same God as our Dad. In my case, it should be the God of Sam, Lawrence, Phil, Austin and Hunter.

● It’s the idea of a “legacy”- something handed down or left to someone else; a heritage. Legacies can be healthy or dysfunctional, but it suggests that, typically, we will imitate/follow those significant influences who helped to form and inform us. So, the question, I guess, is not “if”, but “what”.

Proverbs 17:6 “Children's children are a crown to the aged, and parents are the pride of their children.”

● It means that the life that I am currently living will have an affect on my grand-children and great-grandchildren.

Sometimes we hope to correct the “fathering issue” through the grandchildren, but often times, that quietly embitters the children (“Why didn’t you do that with me?”)

● When we tell stories about being “lost”, it suggests…

… that there is someplace that we need to be, but aren’t there yet.

            … that the thing/person identified as “lost” is of value and is worth the effort to recover.

● As a Father, I’d say that’s often a good way to describe me… “lost”.

            I have no illusions about being the ideal man, husband or father. In fact, I lean toward the self-deprecating side of life. I, too, am riddled with the “what more could I have done” questions [interestingly, even God said that about his children Isaiah 5:4; Isaiah 1:2 “The children I raised and cared for have rebelled against me”].

Thos questions typically lead to guilt---which leads to feelings of hopelessness and mild depression---which leads to binging on pastries covered with chocolate and filled with Bavarian cream… my drug of choice.

● Admittedly, I was woefully unprepared for fatherhood. I had no idea what I was getting into. The prospect that my children would turn out “just-like-me” was not always a hopeful one.

● Part of me was saying, “Wait a minute, wait a minute”, even as my son was being born. It felt like standing on the high-dive waiting to jump and “counting to (10)’ repeatedly.

● This story is about an earthly father who demonstrates the qualities of love beyond what is expected and experienced from an earthly father.

In the story, the son has a memory. Not just of a warm comfy bed and better dinner partners, but of a father who loved him enough to give him his freedom even if that freedom meant such personal pain.

● I thought this week about the phrase, “Home is where the heart is.” As I did, I realized that there is a truth beyond the sentiment. Homes have atmosphere. Homes have character. Homes are places of welcome or places of rejection. Homes are places of healing or places of deep wounds. They shape us profoundly.

● The one thing that I never wanted my kids to question was my love for them. I knew I wouldn’t always be popular or their best friend, but I always believed, maybe rather naively, in the power of love.

I felt like it had the potential for “filling in” all the places I missed; all the roles/responsibilities that I failed to execute.

But, I knew that I needed to be fathered myself.

One of the best things that ever happened to me was the day that I realized that my dad was human; that he was frail and scared and regretful and broken.

● I knew I needed God to come and complete (set right) those things about my own nurture and development which was left incomplete.

            “As the father has loved me, so I have loved you. Remain in my love” (John 15).

God wants us to love our children like he loves us.

Interestingly, God initiates the process of transformation this way: “For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love” (Romans 5:5). In turn, we pour our love into them.

Some ideas which might help us become better fathers…

The initiative of love.

The story suggests that the only thing more resolute than man’s rebellion is God’s determination to show mercy and offer restoration. Apparently, the only person more stubborn than man is God!

● In the story, the Father’s grace seems a bit reckless; a bit irresponsible. We’re unsettled that he seems so intent on being merciful. We’re not as eager to forgive. You can’t let him do this stuff and get away with it.

What we expect the Father to say, “What son? You mean the one that gave me the finger and said, ‘I wish you were dead’, and cashed in his inheritance and party-ed it all away? You mean that son?

● You get the feeling that only something other than punishment will suffice in restoring the damage done. This is the only response powerful enough not just to “rehabilitate” us, but to actually “transform” us!

● The son must be forgiven before he even asks; the Father must seek us before we are aware of our lostness; he must love us first, in spite of ourselves. Then, it’s up to us to simply assimilate and live in that love.

Unrelenting affirmation and celebration.

Romans 8:15-16 (read)

“I am not worthy to be called your son…” (15:21).

Our children need a voice that drowns out and overwhelms the other voices.

● A “blessing” was given as a ‘rite of passage’ of sorts. It was permission to pursue another season of your life; a thrusting of another generation into the unseen. In fact, a blessing was given to anyone who was going ‘over the horizon’--- beyond sight and into the unforeseen.

● During several key moments in Jesus life, what did he need to hear from the Father? “This is my dearly loved son, who brings me great joy” (Matthew 3:17, 7:5).

● The word “affirm” literally means, “to convince you of knowing something because you have been taught it by divine revelation or inspiration; to give a good report.”

Isn’t that all just false affirmation? Why not tell them the way it really is?

            Because God is always directing our heart and our vision toward the way he sees us. Notice, the father doesn’t make him rehearse his tainted history so that he might be appropriately shamed into repentance. He simply celebrates his son-ship. “This is who you are!”

As they receive affirmation from us, it will help to prevent a lot of wasted time and energy trying to earn it from someone else.

 “What would you have liked to have heard your dad say to you?”

Say it to your children! Is it, “I’m sorry”; “I love you”, “I’m proud of you”, “You can do it!”

Unashamed affection.

            Embraces. Kisses. Some of the most meaningful and memorable expressions of love we have received have been non-verbal.

● Most of us have never really considered that God might actually celebrate us; that we were actually “that big-o-deal” to him. We assume that God is happier with the righteous group he’s gathered and we’d just mess up the dynamic; infect the gene pool.

● Jesus came to introduce us to his Father. He wanted you to imagine life as if you were a child being loved by this Father. He wanted to ensure that no void or absence would cause you to miss being “fathered”!